Confession 1: I was ready to be done nursing about 20 months ago. Maybe 22.
Confession 2: If I have another baby, there is only about a 50/50 shot that I would breastfeed again.
I think that there needs to be a truce in the breast vs bottle war. Breast milk is the best thing for babies, absolutely beyond a doubt. However bottle feeding a baby is not selfish or neglectful.
I have spent almost 6 years of my life nursing babies. Six years of having my bras fit differently all day long, shirts stained in conspicuous places, (shirts that allow nursing access are either decidedly frumpy or make Hooter's waitress tops look modest - also an issue) and six years having sticky hands rip my shirt away and grab out my breast with more eagerness than that boy did during my freshman year.
Six years of awkward moments from running into people from work or church just when the baby has entered the "northern exposure" stage of refusing to be covered while nursing. Smash was born in that stage and has never ever had the discretion to understand that I might not want to talk to someone in the supermarket about the church __________ with a baby gulping and slurping and everything hanging out. In fact he seems to especially prefer those times over the ones where I could safely and discreetly nurse without
Those images of quiet, placid babies nursing as the Mommy rocks them comfortably and serenely? Not happening. My current nursling has developed the lovely trick of twisting around while nursing and standing on his head so that his feet pull my hair and his midsection covers my face. This usually results in suffocation of the mommy unit and arm flailing, much to his amusement. Or he puts his feet in my shirt and thwacks my bra strap until I give him a foot massage. He turns his head to see what is going on around him, and bites down to make sure that his "squishie" stays in his mouth at the same time.
My teeth look like they have been strip mined, and my bones ache. I am deficient in everything but cholesterol and am beginning to resemble the cushy leather recliner that he likes to be rocked in. Fashion choices for recliner chairs are very limited.
Because I nurse on demand, not on schedule, when he is teething or needs comfort, or is bored, or senses that I might potentially get something ANYTHING accomplished he demands to nurse. He suckles on and off all night - and doesn't seem to drift off into a good peaceful slumber until three minutes before I have to wake up.
He still nurses over eight times a day, which all the "expert" breastfeeding books said would drop down long long long ago.
I look like I have gone through battle, and not necessarily won. There are bruises, bite marks, and claw marks (which are what baby nails really are) where, in my personal opinion, there should absolutely never be. Every time he gets a new tooth we have to relearn how to latch on in a way that doesn't make me screech in pain.
Do I regret making the choice to nurse? No. I treasure the sweet moments he and I have shared together, just the two of us. The milk dribbling down his chin as he sleeps. The way even at almost two he still looks like a baby occasionally while sleeping. The way he nuzzles in like a puppy in his sleep....There seems to be a theme.
But I have five kids. To be able to take care of all five, I need
- Someone else to be able to feed the toddler on occasion so that I can do what needs to be done to make sure they all feel special, loved, and important. (Yes he eats a wide variety of "table food" and drinks milk. He will eat more than a grown man, drink two glasses of milk, and settle in for a good nurse fest directly afterwards. Pretty sure that his stomach has magical expansion capabilities)
- To be able do normal bathroom functions without feeling guilty as the toddler's screams of protest echo through the house.
- To be slightly rested on a semi annual occasion
- To not suspect that my toddler is actually practicing to become a dementor sometime in the future
Even with that six years cumulative of breastfeeding, all but one of my children have had formula as well. Miss Starlet, who may also be called Miss Contrary, only nursed briefly before switching to formula - a fact we now blame on that my breast milk wasn't dark chocolate flavored rather than the allergies we suspected at the time. All of my children are intelligent, none have grown extra appendages, and the ones who breastfed the least have consistently been the most healthy.
So instead of disparaging the bottle feeding mother, or forcing breastfeeding on new mothers who may have done all they could just to get through the birth experience as some male legislatures - who have never had to deal with latch on problems and contracting uteruses at the same time - try to enforce, let's just support one another.
"You're feeding your baby - awesome!"
Because honestly, if the worst thing that every happens to a child is that they were fed formula, that child is a very lucky child indeed.
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