Requiescat in pace

The stupid green dot next to her name makes it seem like she is still here, and I hate it because I know she isn't, and it hurts so much.  I remember what she was wearing and where she sat in my house the first time we met, over ten years ago.  I remember how she made me laugh, this stranger who was full of fun and laughter, as we got to know each other through the common bond of our faith, and then through our friendship. I remember everything, including how I didn't call her back the last time we talked and my phone died, because she would understand and there would always be a "next time we talk."

Why wouldn't there be?

If I sit still, I cry.  If I don't remember to swallow hard and breathe deep, the tears come hot and fast and drown me.   She would hate that, if she saw, and be cracking jokes that were wildly inappropriate to make me laugh. 

I am so incredibly thankful to have had her in my life.  She taught me so many lessons, in her own sweet and amazing way.

 #1 Laugh.  Laugh hard, and often.  Laugh so much that your face crinkles, your eyes water, and you maybe even pee a little.  Laughing is even better when it is with friends.

# 2 Fight hard and unceasingly for those you love and what matters to you.  But do it with a smile.  It confuses people.  Which is funny.  Funny = laughter.  See # 1

# 3 Always be supportive of others.  Even when you don't agree.  Even if you think it is entirely whackadoodle, believe in them anyways.  Support them anyways.

# 4 Forgive.  People say things and do things that cause pain and hurt and frustration and sometimes very real consequences.  Forgive them anyway.

# 5  Love.  Love without barriers or bars or foolish guards.  Put yourself out open and out there and love with all your heart.  You may get hurt occasionally, but you will be loved back so much in return.  Everyone needs love.  It's all that really matters.

She always put herself out there, without barriers, hiding parts of her, or being ashamed of who she was.  She had no need to be.  She also had an unrelenting love for Clay Aiken, but I know that when this song plays, it is really her singing it to all of us that she touched and left behind, because she said it with her words and actions, with everything she did.

 

I Will Carry You

Yeah, I know it hurts, yeah, I know you're scared
Walking down the road that leads to who knows where
Don't you hang your head, don't you give up yet
When courage starts to disappear I will be right here

When your world breaks down
And the voices tell you turn around
When your dreams give up
I will carry you, carry you

When the stars go blind
And the darkness starts to flood your eyes
When you're falling behind
I will carry you

Everybody cries, everybody bleeds
No one ever said that life's an easy thing
That's the beauty of it, when you lose your way
Close your eyes and go to sleep
And wake up to another day

When your world breaks down
And the voices tell you turn around
When your dreams give up
I will carry you, carry you

When the stars go blind
And the darkness starts to flood your eyes
When you're falling behind
I will carry you

You should know now that you're not alone
Take my heart and we will find
You will find your way home

When your dreams give up
I will carry you, carry you

When the stars go blind
And the darkness starts to flood your eyes
When you're falling behind
I will carry you, carry you
I will carry you, carry you
I will carry you, carry you
I will carry you

                                                                                                         - Clay Aiken