Bare to be beautiful

This past weekend I took some impromptu pictures of the kids playing in the fall leaves in our yard. Impromptu meaning -" Hey I have ten minutes.  Get out of your pajamas, get dressed, and come jump in these leaves." 

They managed to get out there and play in less than three minutes - so it is quite possible that they rivaled Usain Bolt speeds and that I should now start formal training for their Olympic career.  Unlike previous seasonal pictures that have included climbing through brambles and teetering on the edge of a cliff, the kids didn't argue. Who wouldn't want to jump in a leaf pile? Not planned, and barely staged. The pictures are beautiful. My children looked like cherubs.  Even my dogs looked what could properly be termed as "adorbs." 

I wanted in on the fun. Hesitation and doubt set in. I hadn't brushed my hair or teeth and was wearing the same clothes I had slept in from the day before. No make up.  No covering up the red skin, acne, wrinkles and flaws that I imagine.  I was quickly running out of time, as that there are deadlines involved when you share a vehicle, so I could not go and remedy a single one of those issues.  I absolutely positively didn't have enough time to suddenly loose the extra weight and neck rolls, so that I would appear stunning and gorgeous...wait...stunning and gorgeous - while rolling around in damp leaves?

My children see me every day.  They see me in the morning when I have drool on my pillow (yes I drool, and I snore) and my hair is frayed in a clown-like fashion.  They see frantic and frenzied while trying to get more accomplished than is possible (or necessary).  They see me sleepy and exhausted in the evening as I kiss them and send them up to bed.  They see me, and think I am beautiful.  They see me bare, raw, and who I am (like, for reals).  They deserve to have pictures to remember me as they have seen me.  Not me as I want the world to see me.  The dress-up pretend me.    So even though my hair hung in my face like a sheep dog, and we did not catch a single picture where everyone looked at the camera, and my lovely Songbird refused flat to join in, they are beautiful.

Requiescat in pace

The stupid green dot next to her name makes it seem like she is still here, and I hate it because I know she isn't, and it hurts so much.  I remember what she was wearing and where she sat in my house the first time we met, over ten years ago.  I remember how she made me laugh, this stranger who was full of fun and laughter, as we got to know each other through the common bond of our faith, and then through our friendship. I remember everything, including how I didn't call her back the last time we talked and my phone died, because she would understand and there would always be a "next time we talk."

Why wouldn't there be?

If I sit still, I cry.  If I don't remember to swallow hard and breathe deep, the tears come hot and fast and drown me.   She would hate that, if she saw, and be cracking jokes that were wildly inappropriate to make me laugh. 

I am so incredibly thankful to have had her in my life.  She taught me so many lessons, in her own sweet and amazing way.

 #1 Laugh.  Laugh hard, and often.  Laugh so much that your face crinkles, your eyes water, and you maybe even pee a little.  Laughing is even better when it is with friends.

# 2 Fight hard and unceasingly for those you love and what matters to you.  But do it with a smile.  It confuses people.  Which is funny.  Funny = laughter.  See # 1

# 3 Always be supportive of others.  Even when you don't agree.  Even if you think it is entirely whackadoodle, believe in them anyways.  Support them anyways.

# 4 Forgive.  People say things and do things that cause pain and hurt and frustration and sometimes very real consequences.  Forgive them anyway.

# 5  Love.  Love without barriers or bars or foolish guards.  Put yourself out open and out there and love with all your heart.  You may get hurt occasionally, but you will be loved back so much in return.  Everyone needs love.  It's all that really matters.

She always put herself out there, without barriers, hiding parts of her, or being ashamed of who she was.  She had no need to be.  She also had an unrelenting love for Clay Aiken, but I know that when this song plays, it is really her singing it to all of us that she touched and left behind, because she said it with her words and actions, with everything she did.

 

I Will Carry You

Yeah, I know it hurts, yeah, I know you're scared
Walking down the road that leads to who knows where
Don't you hang your head, don't you give up yet
When courage starts to disappear I will be right here

When your world breaks down
And the voices tell you turn around
When your dreams give up
I will carry you, carry you

When the stars go blind
And the darkness starts to flood your eyes
When you're falling behind
I will carry you

Everybody cries, everybody bleeds
No one ever said that life's an easy thing
That's the beauty of it, when you lose your way
Close your eyes and go to sleep
And wake up to another day

When your world breaks down
And the voices tell you turn around
When your dreams give up
I will carry you, carry you

When the stars go blind
And the darkness starts to flood your eyes
When you're falling behind
I will carry you

You should know now that you're not alone
Take my heart and we will find
You will find your way home

When your dreams give up
I will carry you, carry you

When the stars go blind
And the darkness starts to flood your eyes
When you're falling behind
I will carry you, carry you
I will carry you, carry you
I will carry you, carry you
I will carry you

                                                                                                         - Clay Aiken

Whirlwinds....Just Breathe In

Today is one of those days that from the very moment I open my eyes until I go to sleep tonight at a yet to be determined time, I am going to be unfathomably busy, and undoubtedly behind.  There is so much to get done that I haven't even had time to make a To Do List to check off and am slightly afraid to try.  The reality of how much I am doing/need to get done staring me in the face may be my complete undoing, causing me to grab the bowl of the Halloween candy that remains and curling up under a blankie with a chic lit book in an appropriate shade of pink - occasionally peeking out to see if the day is over yet, and then going back into hiding.

As wonderful as that sounds, it is not going to help accomplish anything on my list.  I will invariably feel even more negative about it later, and may not even let myself feel accomplished.  I plan on letting myself feel accomplished tonight - but what about this morning?

Before 8 am I had the chickens watered and fed, the kids dressed, had showered, loaded the van with another load of school supplies to take to the office, searched the dilapidated shed RV for missing boxes and cookie cutters, rinsed the dishes and put them in the dishwasher, and delegated about six chores to each child.  I called Sunshine out to take Ares, I took Zeus, and off we headed on a walk.

It is a warm but blustery day in these parts, and the dogs were too excited walking on their leashes to behave properly. Zeus weighs over 80 lbs, and Ares is almost 100 with both as tall as me when they stand up on their hind legs, so when they are misbehaving and pulling on their leashes, they are truly pulling.  I called out to have Sunshine head in a different direction and hoped for a  somewhat more mild walk with just Zeus and I taking turns pulling each other along.  I knew that I had exactly 10 minutes and 27 seconds or so to give him a walk, which is not what either of us would prefer. 

The phrase "Stop and smell the roses" has been analyzed and fragmented ad infinitum.  SO I am not going to say it, but I am going to say this.  Breathe.  As I half ran behind Zeus, tripping in wet flip flops along the muddy dirt road, I took a big breath in.  In that breath I caught the whiff of all things that make fall smell wonderful - leaves (technically the mold and decay of the leaves), earth, wood smoke.  I smelled the smells of rainy days and living by the river.  I breathed out and tugged Zeus to come along as he explored the ditch and smells on his own.

 Then I realized that breath felt really good, so I did it again.

I could only take one more breath before Zeus and I had to pick up speed so we wouldn't fall behind on the day, but those three short breaths that I was able to take and focus just on what was around me, not ahead or behind, made it better.

So breathe.  Breathe the smell of baby lotion, crayons, and play doh (sometimes all in one diaper!).  Breathe the fabric softener, the chicken soup, the dish soap bubbles.  Breathe the muddy shoes, the peanut butter and jelly, the fresh brushed teeth.

Breathe.

And if at the end of the day, you have breathed, you have done enough

Well then

Choosing to homeschool is not as simple as just not sending your children to school anymore. 

There are forms, and more forms, to be filled out in front of official people with titles in their name at intimidating district office buildings. 

 

There is the returning of all things labeled "property of the school" and the retrieving of everything your child (ren) have created, writing their name deliberately, marking it as their property.

 

Despite knowing what it right, what it best, and the future path to take, there is still doubt, pain, questioning, and a fair amount of tears.

Which why, when the official administrator with the official title in their name, told me that given the circumstances and situation, that they too would homeschool; and that they were glad I was withdrawing my children from the environment they have been in, I was surprised.  There was no condemnation, just support and encouragement.  Really?  You, who are in charge of the schools in the district and of all people would want my children in the public school system, you agree?

Thank you

 

 

The to do list is never done....

Every week we have tragedies and triumphs, and somehow it just evens out in the end. And at the end of the night, at the end of the week, after terrifyingly falling and flailing then trampolining (which my dictionary tells me is not a word) high and buoyant back up, there is a calmness. A stillness and a breath. You did what you could.  It may not have been everything, and the remaining list and next weeks list may seem insurmountable, but for an hour, an evening, or if you are very lucky, a blissful sleep filled night, you are allowed to feel accomplished.

After a particularly exhaustive day a few weeks I went to whine to my uncle.  I had geared up for a full scale whine, complete bottle accompanied with cheese and crackers.  Though he usually humors me, instead he asked me

"What went right?"

After listing off a handful of things, he commented "Well, there you go." 

What went right...how easy it is to focus on the negative, especially when it is busy smacking you in the face.  I think in a way we are taught, in a backwards manner of teaching humility, that it is not okay to feel good about what we have gotten done, or about our blessings in our life.  What would happen if parents looked at the paper a child brings home after struggling in math, and instead of seeing all the red marks for problems wrong, commented " Hey, look at this problem you got right! You remembered to bring down the negative sign - I know that is sometimes tricky.  Way to go!"

I am not talking about boosting a false sense of confidence, but instead just allowing there to be a moment when you can see that getting three of the ten things on the "to do" list done is still something getting done. 

Feel accomplished.

It's okay to feel that you have completed something 

Remember to see the things that go right.  The car started each day.  The kids made it to the school bus on time. Dinner was served before bed time.  Everyone's teeth got brushed...

Back in the Game Part B

It is often a challenge for me to reconcile the school experiences I had as a child (some almost 30 years ago - YIKES!!) with what my children have experienced in school.  Granted, I attended most of my schooling pre No Child Left Behind travesty, in a country with a stronger economic outlook in a middle and upper class community.  MEAP was not prepared and studied for, and barely recognized as a blip on the radar.  Kindergarten was half day and still had naptime.  We had Art AND Music And Gym and Science.   They weren't electives that occur once every four weeks.  The lunch aides were friends moms who volunteered, and knew your parents.  You didn't back talk teachers - ever.  Internet sources weren't recognized as valid and I think we went to a petting zoo with real dinosaurs...anyways...

So this year I enrolled my children in public school.  They wanted friends and I needed to breathe.  Full day kindergarten with no rest time is a challenge, but not insurmountable.  One field trip a year is not ideal but tolerable, along with the rotating schedule of GAMS (gym, art, music, science) which is not a cute acronym and does not make it any less annoying.  I knew we could supplement, because I am well trained and have paid a lot of money to learn how to make every experience a teaching experience...

Then Snickers came home having wet his pants at school because the teacher ignored his hand and had told the students they couldn't go to the bathroom in their classroom without asking first.

He then came home with black eyes from boys at school who persistently bullied him, including on the bus.  On various occasions he was punched, thrown to the ground and kicked, dragged to the rock wall on the play equipment and thrown off, as well as other more minor things. He refused to eat his lunch at school, bringing it home where he could eat in peace, until Sunshine stepped in and gave up her recess to sit with him and watch him eat. He woke up every day begging to be homeschooled and terrified of the mean boys.  Meetings with the principal and school counselor resulted in us being told that "kids will be kids"  Sunshine figured out who the boys older cousins were, made friends with them, and informed them about the situation.  The older cousins handled it.  Mostly.

Sunshine has been spit on, tripped purposely, punched repeatedly.  She is picked on for still enjoying playing with Barbies, and liking American Girl movies.  She is 10.  She is laughed at for not wearing make up, shorter skirts, and tight clothes.  She has been bullied about not knowing what porn or rape was.  Most of this she attempted to hide from us, because she truly enjoys school.

Then Starlet came home with a black eye, bruised and puffy.  The hesitation was over, and the battle line drawn.

Tomorrow I withdrawal my children from public school and begin the homeschooling adventure again.

I have learned something about it from our adventures with it over the last 9 years.  I know what mistakes that should not be repeated again but probably will be.  I know that I need to work on follow through and not just have good intentions.  But I also know that I will fight to preserve my children as children.  That I will fight to ensure they have a quality education that is balanced. That I will not allow children who are reacting to their environment and responding how they have been taught is appropriate to hurt or instill fear in my children. 

So here we go again on our own....

Back in the game (Part A)

Originally I started this blog, last year, as part of an insane fantasy a grand idea that with homeschooling the kids we would have blog focused on what we did each day, or week, that was linked with my personal blog about being a homeschooling mum, and the older children's blogs about their experiences/feelings/assignments/resentment.  All interconnected and web like.  It would be grand and wonderful, and eventually I would get the hang of web design.  Then life rocked the boat and mocked the plans in the most amazing of ways.  More like I had a boat made out of newspaper, and it was hit with a tsunami.  Yet here I stand on the shore, with the waves still angrily lashing, thunder rumbling, and grey clouds, but the waves are falling back.  I am still standing, and laughing.

In the past year's time

Songbird had two severe mental breakdowns

My husband moved out

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas

We decided to move back to Michigan

Smash had oral surgery to get baby root canals and caps on his teeth

We made the great trek across the country through blizzards in an ancient RV with no heat. They were literally closing down the highway behind us as we drove. And made it.

When the job my husband had didn't transfer and the lined up housing didn't pan out, we stayed with my in laws for four months.  FOUR MONTHS with people I had seen less than ten times in my life and not talked to in three years. 

We bought a house, and land, and more land

We got chickens and ducks, in duckling and chick form, and commenced several learning experiments.

Sunshine got to finish out the school year in regular school.  The rest were left to me. 

I started school again myself

My husband got a new job

My closest friend for the past 9 years quit being my friend.  And I was okay with this.  And my family and other friends threw a party to celebrate. 

After dealing with a moving company that was a complete scam and paying almost $10,000, we were able to get almost all our stuff back.  Almost, plus or minus 20 odd boxes of books, several boxes of holiday décor, lawn equipment, power tools.  Of course only half the boxes we actually did receive had items not broken, so....

We purchased two young Alaskan Malamutes.  They are awesome and amazing "fur babies" but we went from never having a dog to having two big dogs.  Still learning.

We (meaning the kids and I) informally left the church I have attended over half my life and the entirety of theirs for various reasons.  Each day is a new step.

We bought a used van.

Everyone except the baby enrolled in public school.

My husband moved out on his own again

Smash knocked out one of his teeth and needed emergency dental surgery

Zeus hurt his paw and needed stitches

The van developed an electrical short causing me to debate calling a priest and having an elaborate ritual done to ride it of demons

Which brings me to part B